Terror in the Water Closet
Tales of Bad Bathroom buddies.
When it comes to Bad Bathroom Buddies it may be tempting to think that I am referring to the antics of George Michael or that tap dancing congressman but I am not. Either of those two situations could be completely resolved by a consenting policeman and a rollicking rendition of “YMCA.”
Recently I have observed the antics of the Kung Fu Toilet Terror. He knows that it’s worse than you think. The real problem is not that men don’t wash their hands before leaving the lavatory. Oh no. It’s much worse than that. Consider: Before firmly grasping that chrome handle to give the urinal a good flush, where was that hand! Oh. The humanity! So the Kung Fu Toilet Terror kicks the chrome handle rather than touching it. Rude behavior however marginally understandable it might be. Possibly we should all wear disposable gloves in there….Or just never flush…Or auto flush. That’s the ticket!!!! We can save the planet from disease and contagion through auto flush!
And then there is what must be an apocryphal story. It seems that notorious Smelly G. took the occasion of the visit of our foreign corporate leadership, Nakatomi and sons, to play a bathroom prank. He went to each stall and removed the full rolls of toilet paper and replaced them with an empty roll that had a tic tac glued to it.
So it turns out that Nakatomi had the misfortune of engaging in a culinary experiment the night before. You know the one. It’s called spicy burrito. How the unprepared man passed the night without incident the world will never know. But promptly at 10Am during the middle of an important presentation, Nakotomi realized that not all was right with world. The plumbing was about to spring a leak. Like the corporate titan he surely was, Nakotimi sprang into action and ran pell mell for the nearest facilities. Having averted near disaster he reached for comfort of a full roll of toilet paper and was met instead with a stale tic tac. The rest is rumor at best but apparently Nakatomi could not deal with the prospect of the shame of hopping out of the stall to get some paper towels. Such an abrasive reward is surely not work the embarrassment. And so he called for help on his cell phone–possibly the only time the taboo against cell phone use in the toilet may be broken with no social stigma.
There are other terrors of the toilet which are not often revealed in the light of day. Man who triple covers the toilet seat with that flimsy paper stuff in order to avoid the germs of others. Dude, there are things that no amount of hand sanitizer or seat covers are going to spare you from. Which is exactly why I only use public restrooms for the minimum daily requirements. Serious matters are resolved at home.
In conclusion, do not eat, sing, talk on the phone or talk period in the restroom. At least don’t talk to me.
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Bottom 10 Restroom Don’ts
On the list of things never to do in the bathroom, eating is number 1.
Never do this is a bathroom
1. Eat in a bathroom
2. Drink in a bathroom
3. Use a cell phone in a bathroom
4. Talk in a bathroom–well at least don’t try to talk to me
5. Cook in a bathroom
6. Have Sex in a bathroom–not even with yourself
Unless you are an elected official from a Red State
7. Fix complicated electronic machinery in a bathroom
8. Sleep in a bathroom
9. Live in a bathroom–unless you are old and can not get up
10. Do your laundry in a bathroom
Dude, if you’re homeless one understands that you need to use the facilities to go above and beyond now and again. I simply request that the proper authorities post signs and indicators so that the uninitiated may know that a wino is washing himself in a sink and you may therefore wish to seek other accommodations whilst such festivities ensue.
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Twin Bed Pans Over Looking the Septic Tank
Not everyone’s sex life can be like an Erectile Dysfunction commercial. Some of us don’t get twin bathtubs overlooking the Pacific. For some it’s twin bed pans with a view of a dug up septic tank. Oh the humanity.
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